Shells (rough draft)

by ciaan

All characters in this story are copyright to Chiho Saito/B-Papas.

One evening....

Saionji finished the imaginary battle by running his imaginary opponent through the heart. He came to rest at the end of the lunge, posed. Touga clapped softly from the corner of the kendo room. Saionji scowled at him. "I said you could watch only if you didn't disturb me."

"You were done." Touga replied.

"If I killed someone in a real battle, I'd say a prayer for his soul. Would you distract me then?"

"Saionji, no one died just now. That's the difference between reality and imagination."

"Oh, a clear and subtle difference."

"Would you like a real opponent, then?"

"May I stab you in the heart? No, I'll stick to my own practice for now."

Touga laughed and settled back in the chair. Saionji began again, fending off the attack. This time, it took longer, and when he won, he only tapped the other's chest.

"Anyone in particular you see when you do that?"

Saionji frowned. "Stop talking to me." Suddenly, two opponents leapt out at him from an ambush. He spun, trying to dodge the double attack. After a moment, he cut one down, but wasn't quick enough, and the second slashed him across the stomach, disemboweling him. He lowered his shinai.

Touga remained silent.

"Oh, not saying anything this time?"

"I was saying a prayer for your soul. Imaginary, of course."

"My soul is imaginary?"

"Oh no, it's real. I've seen it." He paused. "Well, maybe I haven't. But I've seen other souls, so I would imagine you have one too."

"How generous an imagination you have."

"Would I ever leave you out?"

"Yes."

Laughter. "I'll tell you a secret, if you want."

"Should I want?"

"You were discussing stabbing people in the heart, so yes, you might want to know it."

"What is this secret, Touga? It's not like I care, but you seem to want to say it."

"I had her once, Saionji. Your Anthy. While she was mine. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. She was very willing, very pliant and accommodating. But I prefer a little more spark."

Saionji raised his shinai, executing a parry and counter-thrust. His face darkened. "You used her like a toy. When she and I were together, we were expressing our love for each other."

"You think so? The Rose Bride has no feelings. No will of her own. You know that. You've said it yourself."

"Then when I thought she loved me, she did love me. Just then, at least." He stabbed, and saw rose petals falling. "You never cared for her, so she never cared for you. I certainly can't blame her for the things you did to her."

Touga shook his head. "You'd rather blame me."

"Of course." Another parry. The rose petals were falling back up, now, regathering. To do it all again, and again. Eternally, maybe.

"You could blame Utena. I took Anthy from her, not you. She took her from you. Or you could blame Ends of the World."

He stepped back, facing three swords now. "I hate you all. You all want to take everything from me- you, Tenjou, Ends of the World."

"Ends of the World. You know about him and Anthy?" Two of the swords fell toward him together. He barely dodged in time.

"He's her brother."

Touga stood. He walked toward Saionji, grasped the tip of his shinai. Saionji didn't move. "He is Ends of the World. She is the Rose Bride. He controls her completely. Do you know what he does to her, at night, in his observatory, below the fake stars?" He circled around Saionji, who pictured a cat circling a mouse. Touga leaned in close to whisper in his ear. "I know. I know what he does to her. He's done all the same things to me. I know how she feels as she lies there..."

"Shut up!" He yanked his shinai out of Touga's grasp. The wood slats and leather bindings scraped his palm, but he made no sound.

"Do you know everywhere she's been? How many others have thought what you think?" Saionji saw the opening, as the two swords approached each other. He ducked aside and let them collide.

"He's taken the woman you love too."

Touga gazed at his hand, brought it up closer to his face to examine the scrape. "I don't love her."

"Do you hate her, then? She beat you. Maybe you love her because she beat you. But I've beaten you too. In so many battles. And you've won so many others. No one has won the war yet, though." The swords melted from his vision, and it was just Touga standing there. "I hate you, Touga. I hate your self-control, how damned good you are at everything..."

"I hate you, Saionji. I hate how you flaunt your emotions..." He stuck his hand in his pocket. "I hate him."

Saionji turned away. "I know. You certainly have sex with him often enough." He walked to the wall and carefully placed his shinai in the rack there.

"We're both being so straightforward tonight, aren't we?" Touga commented. He followed Saionji over to the rack.

"Then I'll continue." Saionji turned to face him. "You think love is a weakness, but hate is just the same. It gets into your heart, eats away at you. It will make you lose control. But you don't see, Touga... You're deceiving yourself. It's in your path, you don't notice it, and you'll trip over it just when you come near your goal. But if you admit to yourself, you can avoid it. You think you can beat him... But you can't conquer the ocean. You can't conquer the wind. You can't conquer a volcano. And you can't beat Ends of the World. You've seen more of him than I have... You should know. You're out of your league. But your pride, your desperation... You're blind. And when you do fail, when you do realize... I'll laugh."

Touga smiled. "You think you see so much. But you're unnecessary. We're in the last round, Saionji. The power to revolutionize the world, the power of eternity, it will be decided soon. You had your last chance, and now you're extraneous. You're not a part of this anymore."

He pushed Touga against the wall, one forearm across his chest, other hand over his mouth. "Then I'm free. If I'm not a part of the plan anymore, I could leave. Or I could stay. Whatever I want. But you're still entangled. Wrapped in so many webs."

Touga gazed at him calmly. He stuck out his tongue and softly licked Saionji's palm. Saionji removed his hands after a moment. "Do you remember that night? The church, the storm? That was when all this began." He reached out and caressed Saionji's hair. "We were so different then." They had been sparring, and Saionji's hand was injured. They had made out for a while, just kissing and touching softly, for maybe an hour. This was before either of them had been with anyone else. Then they rode home and found the girl in the coffin. "I want to break the world's shell. I want to break the shell he's built around us all."

"The strongest shell you live in is the one you built yourself." Saionji touched his cheek. "The one that you put around your heart, so cold and pristine."

The one I built to survive in this world he created. I want to be like him. Nothing touches his heart... it died long ago. He's empty inside. He has no sword. All swords are his. Forever. I want my heart to die too... to be pure, and eternal. "If we don't smash the world's shell, we'll die without truly being born." Death into birth, birth into death. From one death to another. The death of the body, the death of the soul. One must occur to prevent the other. "You have a body, Saionji. You are the body." He stretched out his hand and touched his chest. "I hate bodies."

"I know. You certainly use them enough."

Body, soul, heart, mind... Smash the shell. Climb from the coffin. Grasp eternity.

What's going through your mind, Touga? What is it that connects your words? Saionji reached out again, his hand toward Touga's shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" Saionji lowered his hand. You're such a temptation... the body, the fire. Weakness. They stared at each other for a moment more, eyes level. You think you're free now? Maybe. Maybe not. We'll see. You certainly haven't left yet, at least. There are still things you want here... Someone still has a hold over you. He could feel his heart, and he hated it.

"It's the last round, Saionji. No more games. This is real. Everything is at stake here."

"I appreciate your candor, Mr. President."

The next afternoon....

Drinking tea together.... A little low table in the center of the room, a pot, two cups, a sugar bowl, spoons. Kneeling on either side of it, facing each other. Touga delicately pouring the cups full. They are talking...

"...for people like us." Touga said.

"There is no us. And we are not alike." Saionji growled.

"But we are. We are both proud, stubborn, strong, ambitious. We both wish to be the best. You've always been my worthy opponent."

"But now you have new opponents. Tenjou, Ends of the World." Your worthy opponent? Careful, Touga, you're getting sentimental... or trying to trick me into something. What else can you get me into now? I'm in everything already, aren't I?

I don't want her to be my opponent. She is my princess. I want to protect her, not go against her. But maybe I must.... And he, oh he.... If he is the devil, who is it that fights the devil? Angels waiting to fall?

"Ah Saionji, you said you would be with me against him."

"Provided you were against him. It doesn't look like you are, it looks more as if you're under him."

Touga smiled gently, seductively. "And you wish me to be under you, instead."

"Or against me. Somewhere, anywhere, other than here." Other than how we are now, where it all revolves around him. No, I want it to be us again. He's stolen my whole world.... Or maybe he's always had it, he created it as you say he did... He gave me this.... Then I hate him even more. He curled his hands into fists.

"I have to get her away from him. It's the only way. Both of them, maybe. But I don't know about the Rose Bride... the Engaged One, for sure. I need to take her from him. And if I must force her from his side, unable to convince her, then so be it. And if I must force her from the Rose Bride, as well.... Or remove her from her brother, also, then I will."

"Touga, I can't allow you to harm Anthy."

"Oh no, that's your job, my friend." He smiled.

Saionji glared at him.

"I understand." Touga responded. "It's so hard, isn't it? It hurts. You only hurt the ones you love... or is that, you only love the ones you hurt?"

"Bastard."

"See what I mean?" We're walking on dangerously thin ice, here...

"Is that a confession?" Saionji grinned cruelly. "Or an accusation?"

"You always give me so many options. There's a way out of every trap you lay... You lay them so open."

"You're just so good at squirming."

"Prettily?"

"It isn't that way now. You're trying to distract me. We were discussing your plans for everyone's future."

"I make no plans for everyone's future. Only for my own... and those who get in the way of my own. At this point, I no longer care what happens to most of them. I suppose they will all be affected somehow as well, but exactly how doesn't matter. I just want to be rid of him."

"Then walk away."

But if I leave here, I can't rule here. And here is where the greatest power lies. "Why are you still here, then?"

"Maybe... because I've been outside. I seem to remember that it was... empty. The things I want are here."

"The same for me." They gazed at each other.

Saionji held out his empty cup, and Touga refilled it. "More sugar this time?" he asked, proffering a spoonful.

"No thank you." Saionji took a sip. "I prefer it slightly bitter."

Touga put his hand out and ran his nails gently along Saionji's cheek. "I know. Just kidding."

Saionji reached up and captured Touga's hand with one of his own. He pulled it over slightly and kissed his palm, then let go. Touga's hand slid away and he picked up his own cup, taking a mouthful. "I like it sweet, of course."

"And that's news to me?"

Touga smiled. "We should do something after this. Go riding, swimming.... It's a nice day out."

"Yes, it is. We should." Saionji smiled back.

That night Touga goes and takes Utena to the arena and tells her he loves her. Then he returns to his room and falls asleep....

He turned in his sleep. The covers slipped from his shoulders.

In the arena. Swords out. He.... and Kyouichi? So young.... he must be only 12 or so. Why was he crossing swords with this small child? How could a child like this even hope to be any kind of opponent for him? But he charged him, hacking away, furious, and Touga fell back against the onslaught, all his strikes missing as the diminutive fighter ducked under them. "Child, boy... there's no need for you. Send me against someone better." "Better?" the boy screamed. "You think you're better? You want someone bigger?" He leapt, and his green hair whirled everywhere, flinging in Touga's face, blocking his view. When it cleared, he was standing back again, his familiar size and stance. But why is he so much taller? Touga realized he was the child, now. Grass sprung up all across the arena, a broad field. The practice blade whizzed toward his head. "I hate you." The huge figure intoned. But you can't hate me, I haven't done anything to you yet.... This isn't right. We aren't supposed to be so disparate. "Is this fair?" he asked. "No, I suppose it isn't." the other said. They stood together in the church. He turned, and their eyes were the right height again. Saionji looked down. "Is this our coffin? We'll be safe there, right? Safe and together?" "Of course." Touga replied, and they tumbled in, pressing up against each other. It was very dark. "What's that noise?" the other asked. "I think we're moving." he answered. He looked up to see a face leaning over them. "Good night boys." the voice said, and the dark face slipped the lid on. He knew it could still see them, though. Saionji pulled back from him. "Why, Kyouichi? You know you still mean the most to me. Why do you treat me like I'm dirt these days?" "Because you're covered in him." he replied. The motion increased. "Where are we going?" "The cat is off to see the king...." another voice sang. He couldn't tell who or from where. "How tall are you, Saionji?" the voice asked. "Not as tall as Touga." he answered it. "How many girls have you slept with?" "Not as many as Touga." "How good at kendo are you?" "Sometimes I beat Touga. Sometimes he beats me." "And how tall are you, Touga?" "I.... I don't know." he stammered. "How many girls have you slept with?" "I don't know." "How good are you?" "I'm not perfect." he whispered. "How much do you have?" "Not everything." "Isn't that the same as nothing?" the mysterious voice asked. "How do you know that?" "Am I nothing?" Saionji's voice tickled in his ear. "Yes." "Me?" asked his sister, all perky. "Your gorgeous, talented sister?" "Me?" said a pink haired girl. "Me?" said the purple haired girl beside her. "Yes, yes, yes!" he yelled. "Me?" asked a man who looked like the last girl. "No....." he moaned. "Me? The empty husk left behind when the power has fled? The illusion of life and death and eternity seeking the reality? How can you say I'm anything?" the man asked. "If you are nothing.... then there is no thing. Then there isn't anything!" He was alone in the moving coffin now, and the walls were closing in. "But you are there." the mysterious voice said again. "You are. How can you gain everything if each thing is nothing? How can any amount of nothings ever be everything? Are you waiting for it all to come in one piece, the entire universe? Eternity entire?" "Yes." he hissed. "I am." "Silly boy." the voice continued. "You'll never find that. It's bigger than you are, how can you even see it, let alone grasp it? Take the pieces, collect the pieces." "Then I will never have them all. I'll always have less than everything. I'll always have nothing." "But you will have more nothings than you do now." "I won't have them forever......" "You'll have them for longer than you would otherwise." "They'll have me as well....." "You can't have them unless they have you." "Who are you?" "Nothing...." the voice whispered. "Just like you. Because you don't even know what you already have."

And he woke up.

It couldn't be true. It couldn't be. He would grasp it.... It was right there, right across campus. He squeezed his pillow. He would. He still had one last chance...... And he was on the right side. Ends of the World didn't really want her to win. Right? No doubts, no, no doubts.... Doubts would only kill him, not his opponent.

My opponent.... Who I don't want to fight against, who I need to fight for. Am I so weak, now, to go around confessing my love to everyone? Who shall be next, hmmm? Shall I be telling all those little girls who follow me around that I love them? Maybe I shall say it to the next boy I am up against in practice? Where will it end? I cannot win if I am weak. And I must win. I must win........

Touga reached out and picked up the cell phone on his bedside table. He dialed a number, and after six rings and no answer, hung up. Saionji’s phone was not mobile, it was permanently planted in his room. If he had been asleep, it would have woken him, and if he had heard it ring, he would have answered. Where could he be at this time of night? Never mind, then. But I don’t think I want to fall asleep again. Touga rose, dressed, and left the house to go walking in the moonlight.

---------------

Saionji sat on the marble bench in the rose garden, pale silver light filtering through the glass. He pulled the thorny branches closer to him, letting the scent waft around him, burying his face in the petals. The brown skin of the stems was like her brown skin, the green of the leaves like her eyes, the color of that flower over there as purple as her hair.... The silken softness of the petals made him long for her touch, but the thought of her pierced his heart like thorns. He loved her so much. His hand curled into a fist around the flowers, crushing some leaves and pricking his skin. He let go of them. She was like that, so soft, so tender, so submissive, yet with a hidden pricking. She did everything he asked, everything he wanted. She controlled him so completely. He hated that. He didn’t like to open his heart to love, to let anyone have a hold on him, but he had done so to her, because she was so very delicate. Now she had him in her grasp, and he couldn’t get free. She made him hit her, made him so angry, made him need to prove he could control her, hurt her, the way she controlled and hurt him. But whenever he hit her, she just stared at him with those deep, deep eyes. She knew. She knew how mad she made him. She knew he would do anything for her, break any rule, act blindly any time. She knew she had him wrapped around her little finger, and so she just kept proving the point. Showing she owned him, showing she could make him lash out against her, using her power to dig into his emotions and force him to slap her. He hated her control of him, and every move he made to reassert his own dominance was turned against him, only further proving the influence she had. And there was nothing he could do to win free of her.

But he avoided her these days. He didn’t like to see her the way she had become, fawning over that upstart tomboy Tenjou. He avoided almost everyone these days. He didn’t participate in the Student Council anymore, he hardly even went to class. Everyone else was too busy trying to get onto Tenjou’s good side. Even Touga had fallen for her. It seemed like the whole world was falling apart. Maybe this was what they meant by revolution, by breaking the world’s shell. He hoped not, because it certainly wasn’t what he had meant, what he wanted. It was all because of Ends of the World and Tenjou.... Well, they could have each other and be damned. If only they would leave him out of their little struggles. He could leave the school, he knew that, but... He didn’t know anything out there. If he stayed here, maybe it would end and go back to the way it had been. If he left, he had no more chance of ever getting Anthy back. No more chance of ever beating Touga. No more chance of.... anything. Maybe he had no chance at all, even here. But here was as close to a hope as he got.

He heard a soft sound, and saw the door begin to creak open. Was it her, come to tend the roses in the middle of the night? But the figure there was too tall, the long hair reddish in the pale light. He turned to face it, and the figure hesitated as it noticed him sitting there.

“Saionji? What are you doing here at this time of night?” He slipped all the way into the structure and closed the door.

“I could ask you the same question.” Saionji replied, annoyed at being interrupted in his musings.

Touga leaned back against the glass of the door. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Neither could I.”

“I called you, actually. You didn’t answer.”

“No. I was here.”

“I assumed so.”

They both remained in silence for a moment. Then Touga pushed away from the glass and sauntered over toward Saionji. When he reached him, he knelt on the ground before him and pushed his sweater up, began to unfasten his jeans. Saionji didn’t move. Touga stroked his limp dick, took it in his mouth. Saionji allowed him to tease and manipulate until his efforts began to have results, then pulled away.

“No. You’re not going to use me to wallow in whatever bad mood has a hold of you.”

Touga looked up at him. “But Kyouichi...”

“Shut up. Don’t call me that.” He readjusted himself and buckled up his pants.

Touga stood up. “Very well then.” He turned as if to go, and Saionji rose, yanked him around by the shoulder, grabbed his collar, and pushed him back through the rose bushes against the wall.

“You will not treat me as if I were just anyone.”

Touga could feel the night-cold glass through his shirt. He laughed. “Just anyone wouldn’t treat me like this. How could I ever act as if you weren’t you?”

“I’m not going to let you pawn me off with second best. What do you really want, Touga?”

He pointed up, through the glass, at the starry sky. “I want that.” His hand shifted toward the observatory tower, then pointed off in the distance at the forest and the dueling arena. “And I don’t have it. I want things... that I can’t do.”

“That’s what we all want.” Saionji responded. “What do you want now, tonight?”

“Do you remember,” Touga asked, a faraway gleam in his eyes, “what happened when you rode in the car?”

It took a second. “Not very clearly. And what I do remember... I don’t know if it’s true.”

“It is.” Touga whispered. “Do you remember the light, and the stars? That’s what I want. But I can’t do it myself, and I can’t have it without going to him, and I...”

Now he could do it, oh now, when he knew how much Touga hated it. Saionji captured Touga’s mouth in a bruising kiss, silencing him. His hands went up and started to unbutton Touga’s white shirt. Touga pulled him in closer, pressing himself back harder against the cold glass. Saionji parted white cloth, revealing pale skin. He pulled the garment off, sliding it out from the crush against the wall. A shiver rippled across Touga’s skin as it came into direct contact with the ice-cold of the glass surface. Saionji thought of Anthy, and his right hand reached up and grasped Touga’s hair hard at the base of his skull. His left went down and broke off a single rose.

He pulled away a little from Touga, who had his hands shoved into the back pockets of Saionji’s jeans. Saionji rubbed the rose petals across Touga’s chest, circling them on sensitive skin. The rougher tips of leaves brushed him as well. Touga’s breathing began to quicken. He glanced down at the rose, saw that it was white. Perfect, he thought, as Saionji flipped it over and lightly, delicately, drew hard thorns over his skin. Then he pressed down harder with the thorns, and they broke through. A few red droplets of blood welled up on the pale chest. Touga tilted his head back, his ribs rising and falling in short gasps. Saionji ran the points up and down Touga’s chest a few times, then bent and softly licked the drops of blood away. He traced the same lines over again with the petals. Touga pulled him closer and kissed him again, and he dropped the rose to the ground.

Touga yanked Saionji’s sweater off, his fingernails dragging up his back. He reached down, unfastened his pants, and pulled them down with him as he dropped to his knees. This time Saionji was already partially erect, and he gripped Touga’s shoulders with both hands as he began to suck. After a moment, when Saionji was more fully aroused, Touga ceased, bent further, and unlaced his boots. He slowly slipped them off Saionji’s feet, one by one. Saionji stepped out of his pants and stood there completely naked. He watched Touga remove his own shoes and pants. While Touga was often amenable to half-clothed, quick encounters, Saionji preferred it this way. Touga turned back to the task he had been assiduously pursuing. Saionji caressed his shoulders and arms, ran his hands through his hair. He used his nails on the back of Touga’s neck. He could feel himself panting.

Then Touga pulled away and lay down, right on top of some of the rose bushes, crushing them to the ground. He smiled as the thorns bit into his back and legs. Strands of hair, dark in the dim light, fell across his face and eyes, and a few petals drifted down to rest on his body from the branches curving above him. He beckoned to Saionji, pursing his lips at him.

Saionji stood for a moment longer, weighing possibilities, then lay down atop Touga. He laid the back of a hand against Touga’s cheek, then pushed his wrists to the ground, feeling the edges of leaves and petals brush his arms. “Tell me what to do, Touga. Don’t just manipulate me, order me.”

Touga stared into his eyes. “Do whatever you want.”

Saionji tightened his grip. He leaned down and bit Touga hard on the lip. He keeps everything to himself, he thought angrily. He felt Touga’s legs wrap around his ankles. He quickly reached down and pulled one of Touga’s legs up over his shoulder. Touga continued to stare at him blankly. Saionji angled himself between Touga’s thighs, and slowly eased his way in. Touga pushed his hips up against him and closed his eyes. Oh fine, think of something or someone else, why don’t you. He began to pound out his frustration at Touga’s apathy.

Saionji could hear the twigs cracking underneath them, could feel dirt and roses beneath his knees, beneath his and Touga’s enlaced hands. He felt Touga’s hard dick pressing against his stomach, and the warmth around his own. The night air was cool on his back. Some of his hair was tangled in the stems around them, it pulled at his scalp as his head moved. And below him, Touga’s eyes remained closed, his mouth open slightly in his blank face. Saionji’s anger grew with every beat, and he relished the thought of the injuries the thorns must be doing to Touga’s back and legs. He felt his arousal intensifying, being fulfilled, almost against his will, for he hadn’t worked out his anger yet. His orgasm left him feeling deflated, empty of his only weapon. Touga still lay unmoved.

Saionji pulled away, Touga’s leg falling to the ground as he slipped out from under it. For a moment there was silence. “Are you happy now?” Touga asked.

“No.” he replied harshly.

“Neither am I.” came the soft response. They both remained stationary for a moment longer. Saionji could see that Touga’s eyes were still closed. Then Touga’s hand slid down over his chest and stomach and he began to stroke himself. Saionji couldn’t let that continue for too long, and he scooted closer again. He placed his hand over Touga’s and held it still. He placed his mouth down with many little kisses and licks. Touga sighed. Saionji continued his ministrations and Touga began to moan softly. Saionji felt better, now that Touga was responding. He felt him twitch, and knew he was very close to coming.

Touga shoved Saionji away and sat up. Saionji glared at him, then reached for him again. Touga blocked Saionji’s arms. “That’s all very nice, Saionji, but I have to go now.” He stood up in one smooth motion. He gathered his clothes and began to put on his pants as Saionji tried to shoot daggers out of his eyes.

“Don’t you dare walk out on me like this, Touga.”

Touga shoved his arms into the sleeves of his shirt, and, without bothering to close it, headed toward the door holding his shoes. He slipped out of the rose garden. Saionji made a fist and punched the ground. Bastard, he thought, and then threw a handful of dirt and roses at the closed door. Who are you trying to punish, yourself, me, both? Damn it, I said I wasn’t going to let you use me for your frustrations tonight. And I did. You think you can always make me jump when you say jump, don’t you? You’re just like Anthy. You take every motion I make and turn it against me. And I fell for it just now, I fell so hard. I gave you just what you wanted to feel bad about yourself, and let you get to me. Why am I so weak now? He hunched over on himself in the dirt, feeling like a failure.

Touga watched him through the glass of the dome for a few minutes, then walked away smirking. Nothing helps a sulk like spreading it around.

After a moment Saionji managed to calm himself some. His frustration turned away from himself and back onto Touga. Oh no, you’re not getting away that easily. I’ll show you. He stood and dressed himself, then left in pursuit of Touga.

Touga walked part way across campus, until he came to the edge of the forest and a stand of trees. He ducked off the path and in among them. He leaned against one of the thick trunks, dropping his shoes to the ground, clasping his arms around his chest. He thought of the feel of Saionji’s mouth. I hate being bound to these pleasures. I hate enjoying it, wanting it, I hate that this is the most I can have. His right hand strayed down into his pants, unbuttoning, unzipping. He freed his erection from the confines of the cloth and began to rub as hard as he could. He moaned, clawing at his chest with his other hand. Hate, hate, hate... his mind chanted in time with his hand. He missed the quiet motion approaching him.

“Didn’t make it very far, did you?” Caught, Touga stared at Saionji standing before him. Saionji came up close beside him and whispered in his ear. “You don’t have to do that yourself, you know. That’s what friends are for.” Saionji pulled Touga tight in front of him, standing pressed against his back, his arms wrapped about his waist. He closed his hand and took over the motion he had interrupted Touga at.

No, please, don’t let him do this to me, not now... But he had been so very, very close, and there was nothing he could do to prevent Saionji from making him come. He felt Saionji smile against his shoulder, where he had laid his head. Touga slumped against him for a moment, head down, then he slowly raised Saionji’s hand to his face and licked it clean. Next he fastened his pants again. Saionji still had his arms around his waist.

“Unhand me now.”

“No.”

Touga sighed. “How long will you keep me here, then? What do you want?”

“I said I wouldn’t let you use me for your bad mood. I said you couldn’t treat me like just anybody. I told you not to leave.” Saionji snapped at him.

“And what makes you think you can tell me what to do?”

“I was not telling you anything, except to leave me alone.”

“If you want to be left alone, damn it, why did you follow me?” Touga pushed at Saionji’s hands, but didn’t manage to remove them.

“So I could give you exactly what you didn’t want me, for some twisted reason, to give you.”

“You think you know what I want?” Touga hissed. “You don’t even know what you want. If you did, you might be closer to having it.”

“And how many years have I had to observe you, Touga? I know what you’re like.”

“Then how come I win all the time?” Touga laughed.

Saionji spun him around and slammed him up against the tree trunk. “You shut up!”

Touga laughed more. “See, Saionji? How do you expect to control anything if you can’t even control your own temper?”

Saionji crushed Touga’s upper arms in his grip. “You think you’re right about everything. You think you know what’s most important. You think you’re so much better than me...”

“No, I know what’s most important. And it’s not you. I don’t care if I’m better than you or not. I want to be better than everyone... Better than him...”

“Then go, be with him.” Saionji considered stomping away, but figured it was what Touga wanted, and so refused to do it.

“I never want to be with him.”

“All the better. Then I hope you spend eternity with him.”

Touga looked at him, his eyes shadowed and dim. “Do you ever wish that we were still little children, before we came here?” Whatever he had said to make Touga ask that, Saionji regretted saying. Touga reached up an arm, and Saionji let him. He stroked Saionji’s cheek, softly. At this, Saionji did turn and walk away as quickly as he could. Touga didn’t follow him.

Saionji had reached his room, and was in bed, wearing his pajamas, trying to fall asleep, when he heard a knock at his door. He figured he knew who it was, but he turned on the bedside lamp and rose to answer it anyway. When he opened the door, it was indeed who he had expected.

“May I use your shower?” Touga asked. “I don’t want to do it at home, I might wake someone there.” His shirt was still open, but he had finally put on his shoes. He was bloody, dirty, covered in pieces of vegetation, and his hair was a mess. Of course, Saionji reflected, he too had been a mess when he returned.

“Fine.” he said gruffly, and gestured Touga inside. As Touga slipped into the bathroom he returned to bed. The sound of the water pattered gently in his ears, and he began to drift off. He didn’t know how much time had passed, but he came back from his half-doze when Touga emerged. Touga was naked, damp, holding a washcloth in one hand and a bottle of peroxide in the other.

He looked at Saionji questioningly. “Saionji...” He held up the washcloth and bottle.

Saionji sighed. “Come here. Lie down.”

Touga walked over, gave the items to Saionji, and lay down on his stomach on the bed, hands under his chin. His arms, shoulders, back, buttocks, and thighs were covered with little scratches, some deeper and still bleeding slightly, others just barely marking the surface of his skin. His legs were basically unmarked, though.

Saionji tilted the bottle upside down and saturated a section of the washcloth. He began to gently rub the liquid into the cuts, where it bubbled and fizzed. “You’re going to have a hard time explaining this to anyone who sees you naked in the next few days.” he said lightly.

“Then I guess I’ll just have to keep anyone from seeing me naked for a few days.” Touga replied.

Saionji brushed aside a handful of hair so he could reach more skin. Despite everything that had just occurred, he could feel desire stirring within him at the sight and feel of Touga’s long body stretched out there. He so rarely got Touga in his bed, as he preferred his own, and Saionji was generally willing to grant him that small thing. But he kept his touch soft and medical. He was still angry at Touga for using him that way, and at himself for falling for it. It was so hard, though, to know when it hurt Touga more to not hurt him. Saionji hated it when Touga took his anger and used it to win against him. So now he would be nice, since that seemed to be what Touga didn’t want.

It took a while, but finally he had dealt with all the cuts. He set the bottle and washcloth on the table beside his bed, and watched Touga lie there for a moment. Then Touga stood and walked back into the bathroom without a word. Saionji lay back down on top of the covers. He could hear water running again, but it didn’t sound like the shower, and he didn’t know what Touga was doing.

He didn’t know he had fallen asleep, but he awoke to find Touga lying beside him, kissing his neck. “I washed some of my clothes in the sink,” Touga whispered in his ear when he made a questioning noise, “and they’re not dry yet, so I can’t leave.” His fingers worked their way inside Saionji’s pajama top and caressed his stomach. Saionji half-turned toward him, and Touga kissed him, deep and slow. It was not the fashion Saionji was expecting. He put his arms around Touga, and felt scoured skin. Touga unbuttoned Saionji’s top and pulled it open, not removing it. He sucked at Saionji’s earlobe as his fingernails traced delicate patterns on his ribs. One hand wandered up Saionji’s neck and across his lips, and Saionji kissed at the fingers of it. He flicked out his tongue and teased the fingerpads, as they left tickling trails on his lips. Touga’s other hand rubbed softly at his nipples. Then Touga was nibbling at his neck. Saionji gently ran his fingers over the lines of cuts he could feel on Touga’s back. At least, he thought, I can mark him physically, even if nothing else. Even if I wonder sometimes whether I ever hurt him except when he wants me to. Even if I feel like I never affect him the way he affects me.

Touga kissed his way down Saionji’s shoulder, the delicate skin at the side of his armpit, along his ribs, scoured his teeth lightly across his nipple. Saionji bent forward and kissed Touga’s shoulder in turn. Then Touga reached over and turned off the lamp beside the bed. Everything went dark, and it took a moment for Saionji’s eyes to resolve the dim shapes in the faint light from the window. Touga angled up on his elbow, leaning over Saionji’s face. He ran a hand softly through his hair, and kissed Saionji on the forehead.

You’re still the same, Kyouichi. Everything else has changed, but you’re still the same. Even though things are different between us now. I can do anything to you, and you keep coming back, and back. Sometimes it’s almost more than I can bear, the things it makes me remember. Why can’t you be different, too?

They kissed again, and Saionji’s hand slid around to caress Touga’s chest. Touga reached down and untied the drawstring of Saionji’s pajama bottoms. Saionji was already fully aroused, his earlier orgasm having left him more frustrated than fulfilled. He kissed Touga deeper, his hand straying downward and discovering that Touga was as hard as himself. Touga sat up again, pushing Saionji’s pants down below his knees. Then he swung himself over Saionji so that he was sitting atop his stomach. Saionji stared up to where Touga’s face was lost in the darkness. Touga wrapped his hand around Saionji’s erection and held it in position as he moved over it and slowly let him in.

Saionji reached out and clasped Touga’s thighs. Touga’s hands came to rest on Saionji’s chest, his thumbs playing with his nipples. Saionji could feel Touga moving above him, slowly, dreamily. He closed his eyes and gave in to the dream. It was almost agonizingly slow, and he could hear Touga gasping, lost in his own dream. After a while, the gasps turned to moans, and Saionji bit his lip in response. He dug his fingernails into Touga’s thighs. A moment later, he felt the warm stickiness of cum on his stomach, and the shudder that passed through Touga’s body. Touga continued the same slow pace, leaning forward, his hair dangling on Saionji’s skin. It didn’t take long for Saionji to climax as well. Touga moved a few times more, then stopped, bent all the way down, and kissed Saionji, lips catching and releasing over and over.

Touga pulled off, kneeling beside Saionji. He reached over for the washcloth still beside the bed, wiped him off, and dropped it on the floor. Then he pulled Saionji’s pants back up, Saionji raising his hips to help him, and retied them. Saionji reached up to him, put his hand behind Touga’s neck, and pulled him down to kiss again. After a moment, Touga broke the kiss. He lay down on his back beside Saionji, his arm slipping under Saionji’s neck. Saionji turned on his side, resting his head on Touga’s shoulder, his arms folded against his chest. They lay in silence in the dark for a long time. Saionji could feel Touga breathing, and he didn’t dare fall asleep.

By the time Touga slipped away and got up, the sky was a very light grey. He disappeared into the bathroom, and came out wearing his now-dry clothes. He went to the door. Saionji looked steadily at him. Touga opened the door. “Good night, Saionji.” he said quietly as he left.

“Good night, Touga.” Saionji whispered to the closing door. He pulled the covers over himself and quickly fell asleep.

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