Ciaan's Smallville Fansite

The Pirates Of ~~Penzance~~, um, Smallville: or, The Slave Of Duty

Author: ciaan

Summary: A totally cracked-out fusion... thing. Love, duty, piracy on the Kansas seas....

Disclaimer: Smallville is owned by The WB/DC Comics/AOL Time Warner. The Pirates Of Penzance is by Gilbert & Sullivan.

Note: This was originally supposed to be done with pictures, like a comic book, images from The Pirates Of Penzance movie with the Smallville characters' heads added in�. but I cannot for the life of me find any screencaps of the movie. So until those are located, here is a text-only version. It will be much funnier once it's illustrated. This quotes from the operetta lyrics rather liberally. I believe the operetta is in the public domain, but if not, well� I guess I'm just infringing. If you've never seen The Pirates Of Penzance, you're missing out, but you can read all about it here.

Cast:
Fredelex: Frederic, as played by Lex: a pirate apprentice and slave to duty
Clarkabel: Mabel, as played by Clark: a sweet young thing
Ruthela: Ruth, as played by Pamela: a nursemaid turned pirate maid of all work
The Pirate King: as played by Lionel: a very magnificent bastard on the high seas
Saminic: Samuel, as played by Dominic: a pirate lieutenant
The Midwest Organic Farmer: as played by Jonathan: even more wholesome and platitudinous than a Major-General
The Sergeant of Police: as played by Sheriff Ethan: a man of the law
The Girls: a bevy of beautiful maidens: as played by Chloe, Lana, Lois, Victoria, Desiree, Helen, Martha, Nell, Lillian, Julian, Lucas, Amanda, etc
The Police: all stalwart men: as played by Whitney, Pete, Adam, Jason, Gabe, Principal Kwan, etc, basically, any man from Smallville
The Pirates: a crew of yes men

Act One

Opening Scene, on board a pirate ship anchored in a bay near Smallville

The pirates are celebrating the 21st birthday of Fredelex, their young apprentice. Today is the last day of his indentures, and he is now a full-fledged pirate.

Fredelex, however, when congratulated by the Pirate King, breaks the news that instead of becoming a pirate, he is leaving them forever. While he was their apprentice, he was duty bound to serve them, but now he is a free citizen and it is his duty to follow the law.

Fredelex: Yes, I have done my best for you. And why? It was my duty under my indentures, and I am the slave of duty. As a child I was regularly apprenticed to your band. It was through an error -- no matter, the mistake was ours, not yours, and I was in honor bound by it.

Saminic: An error? What error?

Fredelex: I may not tell you; it would reflect upon my well-loved Ruthela.

RUTHELA rises and comes forward.

Ruthela: Nay, dear master, my mind has long been gnawed by the cankering tooth of mystery. Better have it out at once.

Ruthela: When Fredelex was a little lad
He proved so brave and daring,
His father thought he'd 'prentice him
To some career seafaring.
I was, alas! his nurserymaid,
And so it fell to my lot
To take and bind the promising boy
Apprentice to a pilot -
A life not bad for a hardy lad,
Though surely not a high lot,
Though I'm a nurse, you might do worse
Than make your boy a pilot.
I was a stupid nurserymaid,
On breakers always steering,
And I did not catch the word aright,
Through being hard of hearing;
Mistaking my instructions,
Which within my brain did gyrate,
I took and bound this promising boy
Apprentice to a pirate.
A sad mistake it was to make
And doom him to a vile lot.
I bound him to a pirate - you -
Instead of to a pilot.
I soon found out, beyond all doubt,
The scope of this disaster,
But I hadn't the face to return to my place,
And break it to my master.
A nurserymaid is not afraid
Of what you people call work,
So I made up my mind to go as a kind
Of piratical maid-of-all-work.
And that is how you find me now,
A member of your shy lot,
Which you wouldn't have found, had he been bound
Apprentice to a pilot.

Ruthela apologizes for the umpteenth time to Fredelex, who forgives her as he always does. He explains that, while he looks upon each of the pirates with affection individually, collectively they and their profession disgust him. His sense of duty compels him to try to exterminate them.

The pirates all pity him for his emotional conflict and traumatic plight.

Pirate King: Well, Fredelex, if you conscientiously feel that it is your duty to destroy us, we cannot blame you for acting on that conviction. Always act in accordance with the dictates of your conscience, my boy, and chance the consequences.

Saminic: Besides, we can offer you but little temptation to remain with us. We don't seem to make piracy pay. I'm sure I don't know why, but we don't.

Fredelex: I know why, but, alas! I mustn't tell you; it wouldn't be right.

Pirate King: Why not, my boy? It's only half-past eleven, and you are one of us until the clock strikes twelve.

Saminic: True, and until then you are bound to protect our interests.

All: Hear, hear!

Fredelex: Well, then, it is my duty, as a pirate, to tell you that you are too tender-hearted. For instance, you make a point of never attacking a weaker party than yourselves, and when you attack a stronger party you invariably get thrashed.

Pirate King: There is some truth in that.

Fredelex: Then, again, you make a point of never molesting an orphan!

Saminic: Of course: we are orphans ourselves, and know what it is.

Fredelex: Yes, but it has got about, and what is the consequence? Everyone we capture says he's an orphan. The last three ships we took proved to be manned entirely by orphans, and so we had to let them go. One would think that Kansas' mercantile navy was recruited solely from her orphan asylums - which we know is not the case.

Saminic: But, hang it all! you wouldn't have us absolutely merciless?

Fredelex: There's my difficulty; until twelve o'clock I would, after twelve I wouldn't. Was ever a man placed in so delicate a situation?

Ruthela: And Ruthela, your own Ruthela, whom you love so well, and who has won her middle-aged way into your boyish heart, what is to become of her?

Pirate King: Oh, he will take you with him. (Hands RUTHELA to FREDELEX.)

Fredelex: Well, Ruthela, I feel some difficulty about you. It is true that I admire you very much, but I have been constantly at sea since I was eight years old, and yours is the only woman's face I have seen during that time. I think it is a sweet face.

Ruthela: It is - oh, it is!

Fredelex: I say I think it is; that is my impression. But as I have never had an opportunity of comparing you with other women, it is just possible I may be mistaken.

Pirate King: True.

Fredelex: What a terrible thing it would be if I were to marry this innocent person, and then find out that she is, on the whole, plain!

Pirate King: Oh, Ruth is very well, very well indeed.

Saminic: Yes, there are the remains of a fine woman about Ruth.

Fredelex: Do you really think so?

Saminic: I do.

Fredelex: Then I will not be so selfish as to take her from you. In justice to her, and in consideration for you, I will leave her behind. (Hands RUTHELA to PIRATE KING.)

Pirate King: No, Fredelex, this must not be. We are rough men, who lead a rough life, but we are not so utterly heartless as to deprive thee of thy love. I think I am right in saying that there is not one here who would rob thee of this inestimable treasure for all the world holds dear.

All: (loudly) Not one!

Pirate King: No, I thought there wasn't. Keep thy love, Fredelex, keep thy love. (Hands her back to FREDELEX.)

Fredelex: You're very good, I'm sure. (Exit RUTHELA.)

Pirate King: Well, it's the top of the tide, and we must be off. Farewell, Fredelex. When your process of extermination begins, let our deaths be as swift and painless as you can conveniently make them.

Fredelex: I will! By the love I have for you, I swear it! Would that you could render this extermination unnecessary by accompanying me back to civilization!

Pirate King: No, Fredelex, it cannot be. I don't think much of our profession, but, contrasted with respectability, it is comparatively honest. No, Fredelex, I shall live and die a Pirate King.

Pirate King: Oh, better far to live and die
Under the brave black flag I fly,
Than play a sanctimonious part,
With a pirate head and a pirate heart.
Away to the cheating world go you,
Where pirates all are well-to-do;
But I'll be true to the song I sing,
And live and die a Pirate King.
For I am a Pirate King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King!
For I am a Pirate King!

Chorus: You are! Hurrah for our Pirate King!

Pirate King: And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King.

Chorus: It is! Hurrah for our Pirate King!

King & Chorus: Hurrah for the Pirate King!

Pirate King: When I sally forth to seek my prey
I help myself in a royal way.
I sink a few more ships, it's true,
Than a well-bred monarch ought to do;
But many a king on a first-class throne,
If he wants to call his crown his own,
Must manage somehow to get through
More dirty work than ever I do,
For I am a Pirate King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King!
For I am a Pirate King!

Chorus: You are! Hurrah for the Pirate King!

Pirate King: And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King.

Chorus: It is! Hurrah for our Pirate King!

King & Chorus: Hurrah for the Pirate King!

Ruthela and Fredelex depart the ship and are left on the beach near Smallville. Fredelex again asks Ruthela if she is good-looking, and she assures him that she is. He just needs to be sure, you know, for she is forty-seven and he twenty-one. Young men of twenty-one normally look for wives of seventeen, after all. Fredelex wants to do the right thing, however, and says he will marry Ruthela.

Then, they hear the faint sounds of singing� It is a bevy of beautiful maidens! Fredelex is shocked and awed. Ruthela is aghast.

Fredelex realizes that Ruthela has deceived him, he who trusted her so, and is furious. He denounces and rejects her, and she storms off. He vacillates, for he dare not appear to these beautiful young women in his frightening pirate garb, and decides to hide behind the rocks. However, as the maidens approach the shore, they discuss swimming until their father, who is lagging behind, can catch up with them. As they begin to peel off their stockings, Fredelex jumps out from behind the boulder. He knows he cannot let these maidens strip, believing themselves in private, and spy upon them dastardly. The girls are horrified, but he beseeches them to take pity.

Fredelex: Stop, ladies, pray!

Girls: (Hopping on one foot.) A man!

Fredelex: I had intended
Not to intrude myself upon your notice
In this effective but alarming costume;
But under these peculiar circumstances,
It is my bounden duty to inform you
That your proceedings will not be unwitnessed!

Chloe: But who are you, sir? Speak! (All hopping.)

Fredelex: I am a pirate!

Girls: (recoiling, hopping) A pirate! Horror!

Fredelex: Ladies, do not shun me!
This evening I renounce my vile profession;
And, to that end, O pure and peerless maidens!
Oh, blushing buds of ever-blooming beauty!
I, sore at heart,
I, sore at heart,
Implore your kind assistance.

Lana: How pitiful his tale!

Desiree: How rare his beauty!

Girls: How pitiful his tale! How rare his beauty!

Fredelex: Oh, is there not one maiden breast
Which does not feel the moral beauty
Of making worldly interest
Subordinate to sense of duty?
Who would not give up willingly
All matrimonial ambition,
To rescue such a one as I
From his unfortunate position?
From his position,
To rescue such a one as I
From his unfortunate position?

Girls: Alas! there's not one maiden breast
Which seems to feel the moral beauty
Of making worldly interest
Subordinate to sense of duty!

Fredelex: Oh, is there not one maiden here
Whose homely face and bad complexion
Have caused all hope to disappear
Of ever winning man's affection?
To such a one, if such there be,
I swear by Heaven's arch above you,
If you will cast your eyes on me,
However plain you be - I'll love you!
However plain you be,
If you will cast your eyes on me,
However plain you be - I'll love you,
I'll love you, I'll love, I'll love you!

Girls: Alas! there's not one maiden here
Whose homely face and bad complexion
Have caused all hope to disappear
Of ever winning man's affection!

Fredelex: (in despair) Not one?

Girls: No, no -- not one!

Fredelex: Not one?

Girls: No, no!

CLARKABEL enters.

Clarkabel: Yes, one!

Girls: 'Tis Clarkabel!

Clarkabel: Yes, 'tis Clarkabel!
Oh, sisters, deaf to pity's name,
For shame!
It's true that he has gone astray,
But pray
Is that a reason good and true
Why you
Should all be deaf to pity's name?

Girls: (aside) The question is, had he not been
A thing of beauty,
Would Clarkabel be swayed by quite as keen
A sense of duty?

Clarkabel: For shame, for shame, for shame!

Clarkabel: Poor wandering one!
Though thou hast surely strayed,
Take heart of grace,
Thy steps retrace,
Poor wandering one!
Poor wandering one!
If such poor love as mine
Can help thee find
True peace of mind -
Why, take it, it is thine!

Girls: Take heart; no danger lowers;
Take any heart -- but ours!

Clarkabel: Take heart, fair days will shine;
Take any heart - take mine!
Poor wandering one!
Though thou hast surely strayed,
Take heart of grace,
Thy steps retrace,
Poor wandering one!

CLARKABEL and FREDELEX go off to the side, whilst GIRLS remain chattering amongst themselves.

Clarkabel: Did ever maiden wake
From dream of homely duty,
To find her daylight break
With such exceeding beauty?
Did ever maiden close
Her eyes on waking sadness,
To dream of such exceeding gladness?

Fredelex: Ah, yes! ah, yes! this is exceeding gladness!
Did ever pirate roll
His soul in guilty dreaming,
And wake to find that soul
With peace and virtue beaming?

Clarkabel: Did ever maiden wake
From dream of homely duty,
To find her daylight break
With such exceeding beauty!
Ah, yes! Ah, yes, Ah, yes!

Fredelex: Did ever pirate loathed,
Forsake his hideous mission,
To find himself betrothed
To lady of position!
Ah, yes! Ah, yes, Ah, yes!

Suddenly, the pirates appear, and capture the girls.

Pirates: Here's a first-rate opportunity
To get married with impunity,
And indulge in the felicity
Of unbounded domesticity.
You shall quickly be parsonified,
Conjugally matrimonified,
By a doctor of divinity,
Who is located in this vicinity.

Girls: We have missed our opportunity
Of escaping with impunity;
So farewell to the felicity
Of our maiden domesticity!
We shall quickly be parsonified,
Conjugally matrimonified,
By a doctor of divinity,
Who is located in this vicinity.

The girls try to struggle, but are no match for the pirates. Clarkabel warns the pirates that the girls' father is a Midwest Organic Farmer. The pirates are slightly taken aback, and while this fact is being discussed, the Midwest Organic Farmer himself appears, hears that he has been mentioned, and takes the opportunity to spout a few platitudes.

Midwest Organic Farmer: And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Midwest Organic Farmer!

Pirates: It is! Hurrah for the Midwest Organic Farmer!

Midwest Organic Farmer: I am the very model of a modern Midwest Organic Farmer,
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of Kansas, and I quote the town's events historical
From caves to meteors, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news -
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings extra-solarus:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Midwest Organic Farmer.
I know our mythic history, the mutants and the other freaks;
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus Luthor,
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of Aristophanes!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore,
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Remy Zero.
Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you every detail of Alexander the Great's uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Midwest Organic Farmer.
In fact, when I know what is meant by "harvest" and "tractor",
When I can tell at sight a field mouse from a raptor,
When such affairs as markets and baking I'm more wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by "lariat",
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern biology,
When I know more of milking than a novice in a nunnery;
In short, when I've a smattering of elementary farm techniques,
You'll say a better Midwest Organic Farmer has never� never� never� rode a cow!
For my organic knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Midwest Organic Farmer.

Midwest Organic Farmer: And now that I've introduced myself, I should like to have some idea of what's going on.

Martha: Oh, Papa - we -

Saminic: Permit me, I'll explain in two words: we propose to marry your daughters.

Midwest Organic Farmer: Dear me!

Girls: Against our wills, Papa - against our wills!

Midwest Organic Farmer: Well, these girls won't marry themselves, you know. But still, may I ask - this is a picturesque uniform, but I'm not familiar with it. What are you?

He is informed that they are the famous Pirates Of Smallville. There is some wrangling, as he objects to pirate as sons-in-law, and they object to midwest organic farmers as fathers-in-law, and Clarkabel vehemently states many times that Fredelex is not a pirate, but is instead a good man.

The Midwest Organic Farmer then has an idea, and informs the pirates that he is an orphan. The pirates take pity on him, not wanting to take away his daughters, his sole remaining joy, and they leave. The Midwest Organic Farmer reveals to Fredelex that he is not actually an orphan. Everyone is happy over the news of the impending nuptials of Fredelex and Clarkabel.

Act Two

Scene, the loft of solitude in the farm's barn

The Midwest Organic Farmer sits in the loft, moping. His conscience pricks him for the lie he told the pirates. The girls attempt to comfort their father. He will not, however, be comforted. Fredelex assures him that the pirates will soon be history, as he and the local police force are setting off to destroy them. As the police are preparing, Fredelex sits by himself and thinks.

Fredelex: Now for the pirates' lair! Oh, joy unbounded!
Oh, sweet relief! Oh, rapture unexampled!
At last I may atone, in some slight measure,
For the repeated acts of theft and pillage
Which, at a sense of duty's stern dictation,
I, circumstance's victim, have been guilty!

The Pirate King and Ruthela appear. They ask Fredelex to speak with them, and he agrees. They reveal to him a startling revelation.

Ruthela: When you had left our pirate fold,
We tried to raise our spirits faint,
According to our custom old,
With quip and quibble quaint.
But all in vain the quips we heard,
We lay and sobbed upon the rocks,
Until to somebody occurred
A startling paradox.

Fredelex: A paradox?

Ruthela: A paradox,
A most ingenious paradox!
We've quips and quibbles heard in flocks,
But none to beat this paradox!

All: A paradox, a paradox,
A most ingenious paradox.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
This paradox.

Pirate King: We knew your taste for curious quips,
For cranks and contradictions queer;
And with the laughter on our lips,
We wished you there to hear.
We said, "If we could tell it him,
How Fredelex would the joke enjoy!"
And so we've risked both life and limb
To tell it to our boy.

Fredelex: A paradox?

Pirate King: A paradox,
That most ingenious paradox!
We've quips and quibbles heard in flocks,
But none to beat that paradox!

All: A paradox, a paradox,
A most ingenious paradox.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
That paradox.

Pirate King: For some ridiculous reason, to which, however, I've no desire to be disloyal,
Some person in authority, I don't know who, very likely the Astronomer Royal,
Has decided that, although for such a beastly month as February, twenty-eight days as a rule are plenty,
One year in every four his days shall be reckoned as nine and twenty.
Through some singular coincidence - I shouldn't be surprised if it were owing to the agency of an ill-natured fairy -
You are the victim of this clumsy arrangement, having been born in leap-year, on the twenty-ninth of February;
And so, by a simple arithmetical process, you'll easily discover,
That though you've lived twenty-one years, yet, if we go by birthdays, you're only five and a little bit over!

King & Ruthela: Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
Ho! ho! ho! ho!

Fredelex: Dear me!
Let's see! (counting on fingers)
Yes, yes; with yours my figures do agree!

King & Ruthela: Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

Fredelex: (more amused than any) How quaint the ways of Paradox!
At common sense she gaily mocks!
Though counting in the usual way,
Years twenty-one I've been alive.
Yet, reckoning by my natal day,
Yet, reckoning by my natal day,
I am a little boy of five!

King & Ruthela: He is a little boy of five!

All: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
A paradox, a paradox,
A most ingenious paradox.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
A paradox.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
A curious paradox,
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
A most ingenious paradox.

Fredelex: Upon my word, this is most curious - most absurdly whimsical. Five-and-a-quarter! No one would think it to look at me!

Ruthela: You are glad now, I'll be bound, that you spared us. You would never have forgiven yourself when you discovered that you had killed two of your comrades.

Fredelex: My comrades?

Pirate King: (rises) I'm afraid you don't appreciate the delicacy of your position: You were apprenticed to us -

Fredelex: Until I reached my twenty-first year.

Pirate King: No, until you reached your twenty-first birthday (producing document), and, going by birthdays, you are as yet only five-and-a-quarter.

Fredelex: You don't mean to say you are going to hold me to that?

Pirate King: No, we merely remind you of the fact, and leave the rest to your sense of duty.

Ruthela: Your sense of duty!

Fredelex: (wildly) Don't put it on that footing! As I was merciful to you just now, be merciful to me! I implore you not to insist on the letter of your bond just as the cup of happiness is at my lips!

Ruthela: We insist on nothing; we content ourselves with pointing out to you your duty.

Pirate King: Your duty!

Fredelex: (after a pause) Well, you have appealed to my sense of duty, and my duty is only too clear. I abhor your infamous calling; I shudder at the thought that I have ever been mixed up with it; but duty is before all - at any price I will do my duty.

Pirate King: Bravely spoken! Come, you are one of us once more.

Fredelex: Lead on, I follow. (suddenly) Oh, horror!

Ruthela & King: What is the matter?

Fredelex: Ought I to tell you? No, no, I cannot do it; and yet, as one of your band -

Pirate King: Speak out, I charge you by that sense of conscientiousness to which we have never yet appealed in vain.

Fredelex: The Midwest Organic Farmer, the father of my Clarkabel -

Ruthela & King: Yes, yes!

Fredelex: He escaped from you on the plea that he was an orphan?

Pirate King: He did.

Fredelex: It breaks my heart to betray the honored father of the one I adore, but as your apprentice I have no alternative. It is my duty to tell you that the Midwest Organic Farmer is no orphan!

Ruthela & King: What!

Fredelex: More than that, he never was one!

Pirate King: Am I to understand that, to save his contemptible life, he dared to practice on our credulous simplicity? (FREDELEX nods as he weeps.) Our revenge shall be swift and terrible. We will go and collect our band and attack Kent Farm this very night.

Fredelex: But stay -

Pirate King: Not a word! He is doomed!

The Pirate King and Ruthela leave, though Fredelex lingers behind. Clarkabel arrives to inform him that the police are ready to attack, and Fredelex must break the awful news to his beloved.

Fredelex: No, Clarkabel, no. A terrible disclosure
Has just been made. Clarkabel, my dearly-loved one,
I bound myself to serve the pirate captain
Until I reached my one-and-twentieth birthday -

Clarkabel: But you are twenty-one?

Fredelex: I've just discovered
That I was born in leap-year, and that birthday
Will not be reached by me till the year twenty sixty four!

Clarkabel: Then� you are such a freak?

Fredelex: I suppose so.

Clarkabel: That makes us even more perfect for each other, my love! I am secretly a super-powered alien, sent here from another star.

Fredelex: That's� that's wondrous.

Fredelex asks Clarkabel to wait for him until he is finally truly free of his pirate indentures. Clarkabel agrees to do so. They embrace.

Fredelex & Clarkabel: Oh, here is love, and here is truth,
And here is food for joyous laughter:
We will be faithful to our sooth
Till we are wed, and even after.

But Fredelex must away to serve his pirate master, and so the pair sorrowfully parts. Clarkabel summons the police and tells them of this turn of events.

Clarkabel: Dearly as I loved him before, his heroic sacrifice to his sense of duty has endeared him to me tenfold. He has done his duty. I will do mine. Go ye and do yours.

Police Sergeant: Our course is clear: we must do our best to capture these pirates alone. It is most distressing to us to be the agents whereby our erring fellow-creatures are deprived of that liberty which is so dear to us all - but we should have thought of that before we joined the force.

The pirates approach the farm, sailing their ship up the river to Smallville. They seize the Midwest Organic Farmer and the girls, and are about to wreak vengeance, when the police spring forth into action. The pirates manage to get the better of the police, and just as they are about to cut off all their heads� the police pull out their secret weapon.

Police Sergeant: We charge you yield, we charge you yield�
In the name of The Plot!

Pirates: We yield at once, with humbled mien,
Because, with all our faults� well, what else can we do?
The Plot demands it.

The police are about to march the pirates off to prison. Then Ruthela arrives with yet another shocking revelation.

Ruthela: One moment! let me tell you who they are.
They are no members of the common throng;
They are all anti-heroes who have gone wrong.

Midwest Organic Farmer: No platituder unmoved that statement hears,
Because, with all our faults, we love our fellow man.
I pray you, pardon me, ex-Pirate King!
We give a second chance to everyone.
Resume your lives and honorable duties,
And take my daughters, all of whom are beauties.

Clarkabel: Poor wandering ones!
Though ye have surely strayed,
Take heart of grace,
Your steps retrace,
Poor wandering ones!
Poor wandering ones!
If such poor love as ours
Can help you find
True peace of mind,
Why, take it, it is yours!

Each of the pirates and police gets a girl, and the Midwest Organic Farmer and Ruthela are drawn together, smiling at the Pirate King as he pairs off with Martha. Fredelex and Clarkabel embrace again, finally reunited.

Curtain.

The end.